DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: HOW LONG?

The first time I treated a victim of domestic abuse for eye injuries I was livid. I wanted her to leave immediately and cause the arrest of the abuser. I almost threatened to refuse treatment if that wasn't done. When she hesitated i asked her to go for a police report before I discharge her. I was a fresh graduate and was filled with righteous anger. Fortunately, my then supervisor and mentor was the head of the unit and called me into her office. She expressed equal concern for the victim but asked me to have patience and LISTEN to the story from her point of view.

After getting fully acquainted with the story I understood exactly the myriad complexities of the  situation she faced as a religious person, mother and unfortunately an economically unempowered spouse. I realized although I was justified in my anger, it was better and more productive to be pragmatic and empathize. 

In a country where you are actually asked to feed a criminal you get arrested and where crime is punishable based on who is the offender and who gets offended, most intimidated spouses are not convinced the police will protect them. It may be an inaccurate assumption but this is my observation.

Secondly, abusers take steps to keep their victims vulnerable and afraid. They use children, relatives and even pets as collateral to ensure compliance. I recall a situation where the abuser used their five year old son to lure the victim back home.

Thirdly there are almost no supportive structures or institutions that provide emergency services or rescues for abused spouses. Try calling the Ghana police to rescue you from a rampaging spouse.

The next issue is religion and society. It is unfortunate that these two institutions appear to favor traditions instead of preservation of life and peace of mind. You keep hearing religious people asking abused spouses to ENDURE. Some even go to the extent of publicly shaming or guilt tripping victims to go back to their marriages. This isn't right. God does not elevate marriage over life. Forcing anyone to stay or return to an abusive and unrepentant partner is evil and must not be encouraged. 

Again and quite significantly, lots of abused spouses are not economically empowered to walk away. It could either be due to a deliberate attempt by the abuser to keep the abused vulnerable or an issue of circumstances. Lots of people stay in abusive relationships and marriages because of this. They don't have any other means of survival.

Finally, lots of people are codependent. They have an unhealthy dependence on their spouse or an obsessive compulsion to "save" or cater for abusive partners. ( Read my more detailed article on Codependence )

So you see, marital abuse and domestic violence is a complex problem that must be solved comprehensively and blaming victims isn't one of the solutions.

We need to encourage people who intend to marry to pursue economic empowerment and maintain it during marriage. The government and benevolent organizations should also invest in building shelters, half way houses, hostels and agencies that will provide support and safe havens for victims. The security agencies must be resourced and restructured to create trust and confidence in their impartiality and commitment to protecting victims. There should also be a concerted effort by religious institutions and the general public to desist from victim shaming and encouraging marital martyrdom.

Lastly, let us become each other's keepers. Let's not become proverbial ostriches with our heads in the sand when we see or suspect abuse of any kind, anywhere.

Let me end with a line from a domestic abuse song made by Baby Face featuring Steve Wonder...

How come, how long

It's not right, it's so wrong

Do we let it just go on?

Turn our backs and carry on?

Wake up! It's too late,

Right now, we can't wait

She won't have a second try. 

Open up your heart, as well as your eyes...

Pass this on. Share it with your friends, daughters and sons.  It may give someone else's a little bit more insight into the issue.

By Dr. Samuel Tinagyei (PKT)

Optometrist, Mental Health Advocate, Certified Professional and Emotional Intelligence Coach.

Are You Addicted to Social Media?

A few months ago, a friend called me and she was almost hysterical. She was on the brink of a full blown anxiety attack and needed someone to talk to. After calming her down, I asked her a couple of questions and she revealed that her account had just been suspended on one of the popular social media sites because of an unintentional misdemeanor on her part and she felt her life was over. 

According to her, prior to this "grievous calamity", her number of likes were gradually being reduced by the algorithm of the site, a claim she could not really prove but believed without a doubt. This plus several attempts by hackers to take over her account were already causing her so much stress and anger. She further intimated that, she doesn't know what she is going to do for the next 21 days  which was the duration of her suspension. She was literally having withdrawal symptoms from Social media. When I pointed them out, she was shocked. Fortunately, we were able to work on few strategies to help her deal with it. 

As a coach, I have seen this particular issue come up in an increasing number of times with my clients and the recent global pandemic simply exacerbated the issue. So what is Social Media Addiction?

The US Addiction Center defines Social Media Addiction as a behavioral addiction that is driven by an uncontrollable urge to log on to or use social media, and devoting so much time and effort to social media that it impairs other important life areas. 

 Although Social Media Addiction is yet to be  universally recognized as a mental health issue, the signs and symptoms are definitely indicative of an addictive cycle. According to a Havard University study, the positive feedback received from social media produces and delivers dopamine (a pleasure neuro chemical in the brain) and the rush you get from the likes, comments and retweets actually rewires your brain to crave social media like how a cocaine Addict craves the next hit. Consequently, not having this rush produces withdrawal symptoms just like that of an addict, although most likely in lower levels. Eventually a cycle is formed where the individual builds their whole life around social media. 

Social media can be beneficial in a lot of ways but an over dependence on it can cause lots of harm. Lots of people use social media to escape from feelings of stress, loneliness, mental health issues and anxiety and although it may feel like mindless and harmless fun it usually ends up depening the  brains craving for the pleasure of the next dopamine hit. 

Some possible effects of social media addiction includes:

1. Low SELF-ESTEEM- brought about  by incorrect perceptions that others’ lives are “better” than yours.

2. The Fear of Missing Out (F.O.M.O) which  causes so much stress, anxiety, depression and even panic attacks. 

3. Disruption of your sleep patterns especially if you use social media deep into the night. 

4. Increased isolation, loneliness and a reduced ability to empathize because there is this feeling of being insulated from issues. 

5. A possible onset of social anxiety disorder

6. A decreased physical activity, which may affect your overall health or work because you start to believe that your social media "friends" are your real friends. 

Although it may sound and feel daunting, Social Media Addiction or over dependence can be corrected or resolved.  

How to Overcome Social Media Addiction. 

For every kind of Addiction the first step is 

1. Admission and Recognition 

If you don't believe you have a problem, a solution won't work for you. So the first step is to recognize and admit that you have a problem and you need help. The help may be professional or self applied depending on the extent of the dependence and if there are any damaging side effects. 

2. Figure out why you have the social media itch. 

Evaluate your behavior in relation to social media and try to figure out why you feel the need to keep going back. Are you compensating for something missing in your life? Friendships, relationships, loneliness, low self esteem, social awkwardness etc. The more you know, the easier it is to start your recovery process. 

3. Digital Detoxification 

Go Cold Turkey by deleting all social media apps from your phone or tablet. Give your mind a break from the endless cycle of updates and likes. It can be a week, month or even a year. This is to give you a chance to prioritize and reboot. 

4. Put Yourself on a Social Media Diet with Supervision. 

You can get a Therapist, Counselor, coach or a trusted friend to help you with this. Firstly prioritize your "needs" and delete all social media accounts except one or two. Deactivate all notifications. 

Secondly set and enforce a limit on how long you can spend on any site at a time. Lastly set a time table for how many times you can check your social media account in a week or month. This step requires utmost discipline and commitment to the recovery process. 

5. Practice Self Care

Start by including activities that can produce the same pleasure points that was created by using social media. Try exercising, meditation, hanging out with friends without your phones, visiting parks or talking walks etc.  You learn a new hobby, acquire a new skill or read a physical book. 

Social media Addiction can be very tough to break but with discipline, commitment and help from professionals, you can do it. Your life will become so much better when you are no longer living on social media. 

Written by 

Dr. Samuel Tinagyei, OD, 

Optometrist, Author and Certified Coach