The first time I treated a victim of domestic abuse for eye injuries I was livid. I wanted her to leave immediately and cause the arrest of the abuser. I almost threatened to refuse treatment if that wasn't done. When she hesitated i asked her to go for a police report before I discharge her. I was a fresh graduate and was filled with righteous anger. Fortunately, my then supervisor and mentor was the head of the unit and called me into her office. She expressed equal concern for the victim but asked me to have patience and LISTEN to the story from her point of view.
After getting fully acquainted with the story I understood exactly the myriad complexities of the situation she faced as a religious person, mother and unfortunately an economically unempowered spouse. I realized although I was justified in my anger, it was better and more productive to be pragmatic and empathize.
In a country where you are actually asked to feed a criminal you get arrested and where crime is punishable based on who is the offender and who gets offended, most intimidated spouses are not convinced the police will protect them. It may be an inaccurate assumption but this is my observation.
Secondly, abusers take steps to keep their victims vulnerable and afraid. They use children, relatives and even pets as collateral to ensure compliance. I recall a situation where the abuser used their five year old son to lure the victim back home.
Thirdly there are almost no supportive structures or institutions that provide emergency services or rescues for abused spouses. Try calling the Ghana police to rescue you from a rampaging spouse.
The next issue is religion and society. It is unfortunate that these two institutions appear to favor traditions instead of preservation of life and peace of mind. You keep hearing religious people asking abused spouses to ENDURE. Some even go to the extent of publicly shaming or guilt tripping victims to go back to their marriages. This isn't right. God does not elevate marriage over life. Forcing anyone to stay or return to an abusive and unrepentant partner is evil and must not be encouraged.
Again and quite significantly, lots of abused spouses are not economically empowered to walk away. It could either be due to a deliberate attempt by the abuser to keep the abused vulnerable or an issue of circumstances. Lots of people stay in abusive relationships and marriages because of this. They don't have any other means of survival.
Finally, lots of people are codependent. They have an unhealthy dependence on their spouse or an obsessive compulsion to "save" or cater for abusive partners. ( Read my more detailed article on Codependence )
So you see, marital abuse and domestic violence is a complex problem that must be solved comprehensively and blaming victims isn't one of the solutions.
We need to encourage people who intend to marry to pursue economic empowerment and maintain it during marriage. The government and benevolent organizations should also invest in building shelters, half way houses, hostels and agencies that will provide support and safe havens for victims. The security agencies must be resourced and restructured to create trust and confidence in their impartiality and commitment to protecting victims. There should also be a concerted effort by religious institutions and the general public to desist from victim shaming and encouraging marital martyrdom.
Lastly, let us become each other's keepers. Let's not become proverbial ostriches with our heads in the sand when we see or suspect abuse of any kind, anywhere.
Let me end with a line from a domestic abuse song made by Baby Face featuring Steve Wonder...
How come, how long
It's not right, it's so wrong
Do we let it just go on?
Turn our backs and carry on?
Wake up! It's too late,
Right now, we can't wait
She won't have a second try.
Open up your heart, as well as your eyes...
Pass this on. Share it with your friends, daughters and sons. It may give someone else's a little bit more insight into the issue.
By Dr. Samuel Tinagyei (PKT)
Optometrist, Mental Health Advocate, Certified Professional and Emotional Intelligence Coach.
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