The Entrepreneurship Lie?

I was looking for a nice story to begin this article with but I digress. The situation is too dire to start with entertainment so I will go about it like how we administer an injection to an adult. Fast and swift and hopefully only briefly painful. Bear with me. 

You have to throw away all the romantic origin stories you have heard about Great ideas and companies. Yes, some of the stories actually sound like fairytales especially those made into best selling books, docu series and movies. That is television and showbiz. Do this instead. 

Research extensively and read lots of verified and accurate biographies and memoirs. Read verified articles and lots of different books. I guarantee that, you will be delivered from your "pie in the sky" illusions.

The kind of hard work, networking, PURE LUCK, privilege, bias, unexplained grace, shenanigans and what nots involved will make you born again in your mind. Look, you are probably not going to experience a Eureka moment and come up with the next multi billion dollar company or discover the next miracle drug in your dream or you might. I don't know. But I can assure you that, you will probably go through thousands of half baked and ridiculous ideas and so many roadblocks that it will make your head spin and ache.

It is going to take sweat, grit, stubbornness, perseverance, giving up and coming back up, getting depressed and even suicidal, experiencing deep pain and hopelessness, sleeping scared and having nightmares and so many other things most speakers or resource persons won't tell you.

This isn't a pessimistic post and I have nothing against motivational speaking or speakers. I would like to think I am one myself. However, I wish we would do more work with research and tell the real and exact things people did to become successful not just the stuff that makes for nice sound bites. I fear we are creating a breed of entitled "wannapreneurs" who expect wealth and fame with the minimal amount of effort, energy and time. The inaccurate and mostly incomplete presentation of Entrepreneurship as a magic bullet and solution to all our woes as a nation is doing more harm than good. 

Another group that also unconsciously push the Entrepreneurship Lie are successful business people who are invited to speak or talk about Entrepreneurship because of their "experience". Whilst some of them use personal experiences and examples as universal laws and doctrines, others just sugar coat the truth in the bid to be seen as inspirational and probably optimistic. Those who try to be real end up teaching popular principles because it is easier. This is because most people do not journal or record their business journeys. In only looking retrospectively, successful people are more likely to focus on the feel good and tangible parts because as strange as it sounds, lots of successful people do not actually know EXACTLY why or how they got successful. Since they can't teach Luck, privilege, bias and other things that are very important parts of their successes, they list popular principles and techniques that can make for good media.

Does that mean we shouldn't read books, watch these videos or listen to these speakers? NO, Not at all. In fact, it is because of these resources that others are able to also achieve successes and learn from their mistakes . All I am saying is that, there is always more ice below the water surface than we see. These resources are a very important part of preparing for our own opportunities but lots of the intangibles can only be found by actual Doing. Action is the engine of success. 

See it this way. The resources are the software, taking action is adding the hardware. One without the other is incomplete. If you don't like reading, you will just extend the length of time you will suffer and hit your head against walls. On the other hand, if you just read books, listen to speakers and don't DO the work itself, you will keep going round and round getting frustrated and annoyed with yourself. 

So what should you do?

Read the books, take the inspiration and DO THE WORK. Pay your dues with your sweat and dirt. You are going to have to endure tough times, depression, pain, failure and lots of stress and long periods of stagnation.

I just wrote this to let you know that, the stress is not because you are on the wrong path, it is because you are actually on the right path.

Entrepreneurship is not a fantasy or a fairy tale but without entrepreneurs, the world would have probably ended by now. It is hard and dirty work. I won't sugarcoat it. However the rewards can be very great too. It is a calling and not just an option. If you are called into being one, stay the course. Keep the faith and grind. You are in good company.

If not, don't come and "kill yourself" 😂. Polish your CV and go get a good job. There is nothing wrong with being a successful and fulfilled employee. Don't let anyone deceive you.

Life is lived once, make sure you are doing what you want to do and not what others say you should do. Kudos to all the young entrepreneurs who grind it out everyday in this country and continent. You are the real Honorable, Excellencies, Celebrities and Role models. You rock.

~Dr. Samuel Tinagyei

Optometrist, Mental Health Advocate, Certified Master Coach, Author and Speaker. 

Are You A Visitor In Your Own Neighborhood?

Recently some incidents happened in my neighborhood that got me thinking about how my neighbors perceived me, that is even if they recognized me as their neighbor. Apparently someone was reported to the police and got arrested for breaking into his own house. After the issue was resolved, it came out that, this person had lived in the neighborhood, but never interacted or spoken to any of his neighbors before. One day he lost his keys and decided to break into his house. When the neighbors saw a "strange" person breaking into a house, they rightly called the police. At another time,    someone offered me a lift and on our way, we realized that we lived three houses apart. We were neighbors and I had no idea. I was almost a visitor in my own neighborhood.

Most of us have stayed in places for a while now and yet have not ventured 5 houses on either side of our houses before. Others have taken the same route to work for over 5 years, and have never tried another route before. Some people have not spoken to over half of the people on their contact lists in over a year and yet, still call them friends. We are excited by the number of likes and followers we have on social media and yet, do not even know 10 people on a personal level. 

Some people have never struck up a conversation with a fellow passenger on a bus before. We have become numbed by our daily routines and waddle through life like automatons programmed to go to work, come back home and repeat every day with no detours. The worst part are those who only see their children on weekends. They are so busy working that, they have become visitors even in their own homes. 

As a society, we have become tuned off. It is just about us, our work and sometimes our families. We are living and yet have never really lived a day before. We look without seeing, touch without feeling and listen without hearing. We are alone in the middle of several crowds and live our lives missing out on wonderful human interactions. 

Mind you I am not oblivious to the dangers we experience everyday from strangers but forming healthy human connections cannot be over emphasized. 

So what should you do?

Slow down and take stock of your life. What are your priorities? Do people matter to you? Family, friends, neighbors, church? If they do then do these things. 

Start conversations with regular commuters you meet daily. Make time to get to know your neighbors. 

Listen to the sounds around you and allow the wind to blow in your face. Attend PTA meetings. Get to know the parents of your children's best friends and classmates.  Stop rushing off after church services and talk to your fellow church members some time. Invite friends over for dinner once in a while. Deliberately set a definite time to hang out as a family. Have meals together. Play with your children. Ask them about school and actually listen to them. 

Grow and Nurture relationships. Don't just exist, Live. Remember, your best and most significant assets will always be people. Don't be a stranger in your own neighborhood. 

By Dr. Samuel Tinagyei 

Are You Turning Your Kid Into An Addict?

Sometime back, I visited a friend who had a toddler. The child was crying and throwing a tantrum. It appeared he had been doing this for a while.
When I asked why the child was crying, the father said, "He just won't stop crying until I give him my phone or tablet." I was intrigued so I probed further. I asked how this happened and he explained that when his son was younger, he would let him play with his phone whenever they were both busy or whenever the child got restless. Since it worked, they continued till the point where the only thing that could calm him down was a phone or tablet. Unwittingly, they had created the perfect conditions for an addiction.  This is what happens...

According to a Havard University study, the positive feedback received from using the phone or tablet delivers a shot of dopamine (a pleasure neuro chemical in the brain). Subsequently,  this rewires the brain to crave the phone or tablet like how a cocaine addict craves the next hit. Consequently, not having this rush produces withdrawal symptoms just like that of an addict, although most likely in lower levels. Eventually a cycle is formed where the child is conditioned to crave that feeling so much that, nothing else works.  (Read my article: Are You Addicted to Social Media?

Although technology is important and it is very essential that your child is technologically savvy, an over exposure and unregulated indulgence will produce far more negative effects than positives. The Kaiser Family Foundation estimates that, toddlers are spending an avarage of 7 hours or more staring at screens.  Several studies have shown that this can impede the healthy development of children. Some of the adverse effects are

1. Affects Brain development
An over exposure to gadgets during the development stages may affect brain functioning leading to Addiction, Attention Deficits, Lack Of Self Control or Regulation, Violence, Impulsivity and even impaired learning.

2. Over Exposure to Radiation
According to the 2011 report of the World Health Organization, cellphones and other wireless devices are considered category 2B risk because of their radiation emission. Allowing your child to excessively use gadgets increases their exposure and may cause harm.

3. Damaged Eyesight
Excessive exposure to screens causes eye fatigue, stress and strain. Research shows that children who are addicted to video games are more likely to develop eye problems as they grow up.

4. Sleep Deprivation
Children who become addicted to mobile gadgets miss out on needed sleep or rest time. In other occasions, these gadgets become their sleeping tablets and they may become grumpy and restless without them. Sleep deprivation can affect the child's immunity to common aliments like flu.

5. Obesity
When children get addicted to staring at screens, they spend far less time participating in outdoor and physical activities. This means they don't burn as much calories as they should. A lack of physical activity can lead to obesity which may lead to other complications like diabetes, heart problems etc.

So how do you make sure that your child still gets the benefits of technology but doesn't get exposed to the harmful effects? Here a few ideas

1. Design a Screen time table for your kids and be strict about it.
Instead of just using your phone as a pacifier or crutch because you are busy, be more strict on the use of mobile gadgets. Set up a time limit preferably, an  hour a day (perhaps 2 hours on the weekends) and regulate the type of programs they interact with. Make sure they understand exactly what the phone or tablet is supposed to be used for during their screen time. Make sure screen time is not close to bed time.
Here is a rule of thumb suggested by the American Academy of Paediatrics. 
1. No screen time for children under 18 months
2. 1 hour a day for children between 2 to 5 years
3. A maximum of 2 hours a day for older children.

2. Model healthy screen use.
This is where lots of parents get it wrong. Children are more likely to do WHAT YOU DO instead of WHAT YOU SAY. If you don't make time for off screen activities, you probably won't be able to get your child to do the same. Plan outdoor or alternative activities with your children that allows you build to emotional connections and interact with nature. Include playing board games, spelling games, crafts and physical activities.

3. Monitor for signs of problematic use
Have frequent conversations with your child about what they learn and watch .

4. Limit the number of gadgets and exposure at home.
When buying, focus on usability, educational ability and durability instead of indulging in any new one you see. Put them away to reduce visibility until the appropriate screen time.

Finally, children are very malleable and impressionable and hence can easily be conditioned whether positively or negatively. Technology is a great thing but can become a negative influence if left unregulated or monitored. Pay attention to what you expose your children to and equip them to become the very best of themselves.

PS: I would love to hear your comments, enquires, contributions and questions so don't hesitate to either send them here or email me at tinagyei@gmail.com. 

By
Dr. Samuel Tinagyei
Optometrist, Mental Health Advocate, Certified Professional and Emotional Intelligence Coach, NLP Master Practitioner, Author and Speaker. 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: HOW LONG?

The first time I treated a victim of domestic abuse for eye injuries I was livid. I wanted her to leave immediately and cause the arrest of the abuser. I almost threatened to refuse treatment if that wasn't done. When she hesitated i asked her to go for a police report before I discharge her. I was a fresh graduate and was filled with righteous anger. Fortunately, my then supervisor and mentor was the head of the unit and called me into her office. She expressed equal concern for the victim but asked me to have patience and LISTEN to the story from her point of view.

After getting fully acquainted with the story I understood exactly the myriad complexities of the  situation she faced as a religious person, mother and unfortunately an economically unempowered spouse. I realized although I was justified in my anger, it was better and more productive to be pragmatic and empathize. 

In a country where you are actually asked to feed a criminal you get arrested and where crime is punishable based on who is the offender and who gets offended, most intimidated spouses are not convinced the police will protect them. It may be an inaccurate assumption but this is my observation.

Secondly, abusers take steps to keep their victims vulnerable and afraid. They use children, relatives and even pets as collateral to ensure compliance. I recall a situation where the abuser used their five year old son to lure the victim back home.

Thirdly there are almost no supportive structures or institutions that provide emergency services or rescues for abused spouses. Try calling the Ghana police to rescue you from a rampaging spouse.

The next issue is religion and society. It is unfortunate that these two institutions appear to favor traditions instead of preservation of life and peace of mind. You keep hearing religious people asking abused spouses to ENDURE. Some even go to the extent of publicly shaming or guilt tripping victims to go back to their marriages. This isn't right. God does not elevate marriage over life. Forcing anyone to stay or return to an abusive and unrepentant partner is evil and must not be encouraged. 

Again and quite significantly, lots of abused spouses are not economically empowered to walk away. It could either be due to a deliberate attempt by the abuser to keep the abused vulnerable or an issue of circumstances. Lots of people stay in abusive relationships and marriages because of this. They don't have any other means of survival.

Finally, lots of people are codependent. They have an unhealthy dependence on their spouse or an obsessive compulsion to "save" or cater for abusive partners. ( Read my more detailed article on Codependence )

So you see, marital abuse and domestic violence is a complex problem that must be solved comprehensively and blaming victims isn't one of the solutions.

We need to encourage people who intend to marry to pursue economic empowerment and maintain it during marriage. The government and benevolent organizations should also invest in building shelters, half way houses, hostels and agencies that will provide support and safe havens for victims. The security agencies must be resourced and restructured to create trust and confidence in their impartiality and commitment to protecting victims. There should also be a concerted effort by religious institutions and the general public to desist from victim shaming and encouraging marital martyrdom.

Lastly, let us become each other's keepers. Let's not become proverbial ostriches with our heads in the sand when we see or suspect abuse of any kind, anywhere.

Let me end with a line from a domestic abuse song made by Baby Face featuring Steve Wonder...

How come, how long

It's not right, it's so wrong

Do we let it just go on?

Turn our backs and carry on?

Wake up! It's too late,

Right now, we can't wait

She won't have a second try. 

Open up your heart, as well as your eyes...

Pass this on. Share it with your friends, daughters and sons.  It may give someone else's a little bit more insight into the issue.

By Dr. Samuel Tinagyei (PKT)

Optometrist, Mental Health Advocate, Certified Professional and Emotional Intelligence Coach.

Are You Addicted to Social Media?

A few months ago, a friend called me and she was almost hysterical. She was on the brink of a full blown anxiety attack and needed someone to talk to. After calming her down, I asked her a couple of questions and she revealed that her account had just been suspended on one of the popular social media sites because of an unintentional misdemeanor on her part and she felt her life was over. 

According to her, prior to this "grievous calamity", her number of likes were gradually being reduced by the algorithm of the site, a claim she could not really prove but believed without a doubt. This plus several attempts by hackers to take over her account were already causing her so much stress and anger. She further intimated that, she doesn't know what she is going to do for the next 21 days  which was the duration of her suspension. She was literally having withdrawal symptoms from Social media. When I pointed them out, she was shocked. Fortunately, we were able to work on few strategies to help her deal with it. 

As a coach, I have seen this particular issue come up in an increasing number of times with my clients and the recent global pandemic simply exacerbated the issue. So what is Social Media Addiction?

The US Addiction Center defines Social Media Addiction as a behavioral addiction that is driven by an uncontrollable urge to log on to or use social media, and devoting so much time and effort to social media that it impairs other important life areas. 

 Although Social Media Addiction is yet to be  universally recognized as a mental health issue, the signs and symptoms are definitely indicative of an addictive cycle. According to a Havard University study, the positive feedback received from social media produces and delivers dopamine (a pleasure neuro chemical in the brain) and the rush you get from the likes, comments and retweets actually rewires your brain to crave social media like how a cocaine Addict craves the next hit. Consequently, not having this rush produces withdrawal symptoms just like that of an addict, although most likely in lower levels. Eventually a cycle is formed where the individual builds their whole life around social media. 

Social media can be beneficial in a lot of ways but an over dependence on it can cause lots of harm. Lots of people use social media to escape from feelings of stress, loneliness, mental health issues and anxiety and although it may feel like mindless and harmless fun it usually ends up depening the  brains craving for the pleasure of the next dopamine hit. 

Some possible effects of social media addiction includes:

1. Low SELF-ESTEEM- brought about  by incorrect perceptions that others’ lives are “better” than yours.

2. The Fear of Missing Out (F.O.M.O) which  causes so much stress, anxiety, depression and even panic attacks. 

3. Disruption of your sleep patterns especially if you use social media deep into the night. 

4. Increased isolation, loneliness and a reduced ability to empathize because there is this feeling of being insulated from issues. 

5. A possible onset of social anxiety disorder

6. A decreased physical activity, which may affect your overall health or work because you start to believe that your social media "friends" are your real friends. 

Although it may sound and feel daunting, Social Media Addiction or over dependence can be corrected or resolved.  

How to Overcome Social Media Addiction. 

For every kind of Addiction the first step is 

1. Admission and Recognition 

If you don't believe you have a problem, a solution won't work for you. So the first step is to recognize and admit that you have a problem and you need help. The help may be professional or self applied depending on the extent of the dependence and if there are any damaging side effects. 

2. Figure out why you have the social media itch. 

Evaluate your behavior in relation to social media and try to figure out why you feel the need to keep going back. Are you compensating for something missing in your life? Friendships, relationships, loneliness, low self esteem, social awkwardness etc. The more you know, the easier it is to start your recovery process. 

3. Digital Detoxification 

Go Cold Turkey by deleting all social media apps from your phone or tablet. Give your mind a break from the endless cycle of updates and likes. It can be a week, month or even a year. This is to give you a chance to prioritize and reboot. 

4. Put Yourself on a Social Media Diet with Supervision. 

You can get a Therapist, Counselor, coach or a trusted friend to help you with this. Firstly prioritize your "needs" and delete all social media accounts except one or two. Deactivate all notifications. 

Secondly set and enforce a limit on how long you can spend on any site at a time. Lastly set a time table for how many times you can check your social media account in a week or month. This step requires utmost discipline and commitment to the recovery process. 

5. Practice Self Care

Start by including activities that can produce the same pleasure points that was created by using social media. Try exercising, meditation, hanging out with friends without your phones, visiting parks or talking walks etc.  You learn a new hobby, acquire a new skill or read a physical book. 

Social media Addiction can be very tough to break but with discipline, commitment and help from professionals, you can do it. Your life will become so much better when you are no longer living on social media. 

Written by 

Dr. Samuel Tinagyei, OD, 

Optometrist, Author and Certified Coach